Deafening Silence

After 6 months holding back my tears, I finally cried for you today, Jay.

2010-02-26T20:02:00.004+09:00

Chansung ILY SFM

2010-01-28T15:57:00.005+09:00

You know we miss you, Jaebum.

2010-01-04T20:57:00.004+09:00

Chansung is UNF

2010-01-03T04:57:00.020+09:00

The Reason Why I Want To Be Hwang Bo

2009-12-27T10:53:00.005+09:00

So many skinships with 2PM !!!

First, Hwang Bo got to hug Jaebum,

Junho grabbing her arm
Junsu trying to calm her down
Chansung & Junho giving her a warm up message
Then Wooyoung joined Chansung
Junsu helping her & Chansung touching her hand
Wooyoung wrapped his arm around her
Hugs from Taecyeon
Hug from Khun & Chansung
Taecyeon lifting her up
while the others helping her
*sigh*
SHE'S SO LUCKY !!!

Lost Generation

2009-12-05T04:32:00.004+09:00

Last night I switched my remote from CNN to MTV. After getting fed up with the news of Tiger Woods cheating/car crash incident (hasn't anyone learned from Princess Diana?) and Did they or did they not crash the Whitehouse party?, I decided some insight of troubled teenagers looking for love would not hurt.

Do you remember when MTV used to be the it thing? When you could say "Oh I saw it on MTV" when your teacher asked how you found out about global warming & staying off drugs. It saddened me when I started to see naked men running around feeding themselves to tarantulas and bunches of spoiled talentless fashionistas bitching about how they life suck when they don't know how to spend their daddy's money on Spring Break.

I used to chuckled whenever they said "Next we have Bye Bye Bye by N'SYNC" because 4-byes did sound like a stupid relay error but I would trade what I see today with those cheesy boybands. Hey, I know you love them too.

So where are the good music? Where are the cool VJs? What happened to MTV Generation? All I see now is people making out on hot tubs. Tila Tequila is not a role model, ladies & gentlemen. I refuse to take someone who's named after a drink seriously and do you really think Steve-O still have a normal brain cell?

I want my MTV back.

In Indo we used to have this saying "anak nongkrong MTV" which abruptly translated "Chillin MTV peeps" but it actually means younger generation who watch MTV, listen to good music, are aware of their surroundings and therefore: COOL. It was something to be proud of. It was a culture. It was us.

So what are we now?

rich king, poor king.

2009-07-08T21:38:00.003+09:00

i am NOT emotionally bankrupt. trust me. the lion king made me cry.
yet watching the news, then seeing the MJ related status updates flooding my home page made me feel...nothing..??
i am not a callous bitch. let me justify. 1. i didn't know the guy personally (duh). 2. his kids can walk around maskless now. 3. i have mourned his musical death since 1995 anyway. 4. Gavin Arvizo, Jason Francia, Jordan Chandler.

although point number 4, i have a feeling, will be glossed over in the wake of his death in the same manner Suharto's corruption was glossed over when he died. death makes the heart grow fonder, no?

on another note, Leonard Peltier has been granted his first parole in 15 years, the U.S. will be supplying the Somalian government with weapons and training, the International Whaling Commission fails to curb the continuing killing of some 1,000 whales per year - despite the fact that scientist have discovered them to possess qualities of personhood, and NASA's LCROSS will be live-streaming a fly by to determine weather water ice exists on the surface of the moon, (cool).

Rest in peace MJ.

endless.

2009-01-22T18:33:00.003+09:00

i splashed the salty water of pacific ocean with my feet. looking down to the whitest sand and coldest wave, ahhh i'm a resident of the paradise. so i sat one step back to the shore, back arched to the sun, left leg moving through the water, pulling waves. then i looked around, a coconut tree rises into the sky, an awkward skinny teenager embarrassed of his height, and then there they are. two elders sat on their straw beach mats before the horizon. she was obviously telling him a story, her weak tiny hand moves up and down, sometimes wanders a little to the side, as if she was ready to fly. then i looked at him, the person she was explaining a wonderful thing to. he stares at her just as she was 40 years younger, his eyes were set on her face full of wrinkle and his eyes softened. he could not careless the sun almost retire that day, he could not careless the cold water touches his tip of toes.

he sees her.

i smiled, raised my camera and captured the moment.

Zsa zsa Zsu

2009-01-18T12:35:00.003+09:00

Who created xoxo = hugs & kisses?
I don't want hugs & kisses.
I'd prefer licks & sniffs.
thank you.

I'm Still Alive...

2009-01-17T22:13:00.002+09:00

tho I'd reckon no one reads this blog. Why?
coz you have no idea how to navigate this site, correct?

lol

Will update soon, and luckily for you, with new templates .

Stay tuned!

it's over

2006-10-21T16:23:00.001+09:00

....yeah i think it's over.

and i finally found out that my life goes on without you...

and my world still turns when you're not around...

yes and no?

meh...like it matters

lost in space

2006-09-20T18:51:00.000+09:00

How'd you feel when you find out the darkest side of your family?
How'd you feel when you realize you ain't as good as you think you were?
How'd you feel when you have been crying all day and still can't sleep without tears crawlin' down to your chin?
How'd you feel when suddenly your hero seems to have sins, just like you do?
How'd you feel when you are lost in your future and can't see no way out?
How'd you feel when you think you have no future at all?
How'd you feel if you coulda made a one, but it's too late?
How'd you feel if you never give up and the world gives up on you?
How'd you feel walking towards your fear with no way back?
How'd you feel, putting urself in my shoes right now?

SUCKS

if only i can ask God to make life goes slow and easy on me at least for now, cause it hurts really bad

endless summer

2006-09-20T18:04:00.000+09:00

So check this, spent this summer break on simply: 1 week at work, 5 days in Bali and countless hours in vain. Quite a break I may call, starts with the story of Aaron who missed his plane from Korea, left me with Sidney whom I was barely known. I don't remember getting to know a new person could be so nerve-wracking but I pulled it thru pretty well I s'pose. Aaron had to stay overnight at the airport and we gotta pick him up in the next day, Sidney suggested me to write "Tom Hanks, The Terminal" on a piece of paper for Aaron, I was like 'y not?'

Bali..hmm, Bali is Bali. What can I say about Bali? We went to cool places, white shoreline beaches, Antonio Blanco gallery (Erlyn mistaken by asking "isn't he the shoe-god of Carrie Bradshaw?" lol), watersporting.. yo, funny thing happened when I played this flyfish with Steven, well days before I was into this conversation with Aaron abt how Steve Irwin got killed by a stingray, he kinda wished he wouldn't see any stingray in Bali, heh and u know what, turns out that the boat which was taking us around is named "stingray". Tough luck, man.

We hit Musro that night without Sidney coz he got tired from his two times parasailing, the cabaret wasn't that good but the music was, I gotta taste a blow job (a drink, verbatim) and Aaron's corona beer.. pretty sure didn't make myself drunk that night except the fact that I woke up around 10 on the next day. No major hangover so guessed I wasn't really.

Sidney paid-off his absence by coming along with us to HardRock on the next night, still, he only sat and drank, well.. 4 drinks and he made friends with the bartender and yet he said "nah, not drunk at all". We had fun watching the OZ band which sucked big time, Aaron seemed to have the best time of all but nobody beats Sidney on drinks. No blow job tonight, instead I hit a cosmopolitan without the olive. Bunpo got a very interesting liquor but took 5 mins for him to figure out the way drinking it (it has flames on the surface).

I was sad going away from the paradise since I never wanna leave. Aaron also said that now he misses living in Hawaii and shdnt hv taken things for granted back then. Sidney promised me to come back when normally he never does to the same place. Well fellas, all tributes taken.

my parents were rockstars

2006-09-04T12:22:00.000+09:00

Yesterday I flipped thru old family albums and found out so many interesting pics I've probably never noticed before:

1. I own 5 more albums than other kids.

2. My mom looked like me in her early age, my aunt when she graduated college, and Yoko Ono when she got married.

3. My dad looked like a rock star. envy those afro-hair.

4. Both my parents spent too much time dressing their kids, we had more clothes than we could ever imagine.

5. I looked like an ass. in every single picture.

6. Mom had better style than me, she wore Janis Joplin shades in highschool.

7. Brother had mushroom hair most of the times and my sister looked so boyish.

8. Three of us loved eachother better than today.

9. 1990's is a messed up era but nobody wants to leave.

10. I MISS MY CHILDHOOD

THEY'VE CREATED A MONSTER.

2006-08-31T21:40:00.000+09:00

I wonder if it's possible for me to sue Youtube for fucking up my brain and making me go blind.

I think need to go to Youtube anonymously.

one two cha cha cha

2006-08-31T20:49:00.000+09:00

My blood's still rushing down from head to toe as i just finished my chacha dance practice a while ago. it's funny coz the whole office were dancing in one room, from the general manager to intern *like me* were swinging towards eachother like an ocean of moving bodies. i dunno abt the deal since i just joined the company not so long ago, i guessed they've been practicing for the upcoming international convention in Bali. sounds like fun to me.

As i was watching people dancing, i realize how important the comfortability when you dance in partners, oh well since it is Latin Dance, you HAVE to dance in partners. I was surprisingly nervous when i gotta start learning the step, *note: i hate learning steps to dance, i dance to the rhythm of my feet* I started to step on my partner's feet and missing the counts whenever i have to look into his eyes. Eyes have been my weak points on people so i wasn't suprised.

By the time i felt comfortable they always stole my partner. Aarrgghhh...dammit, but finally I did ok with Ian who, apart from twiching me around too fast and chatting during the dance *made me lose concentration but i guessed that's his comforting remedy*, could lead me on the floor successfully. that's the thing for you fellas out there, lead the ladies !!!

The instructor said I did great job coz I could catch up with the others all the routine they've been practicing for 2 months. And I did it within an hour.

No wonder I sprain my ankle.

Battling teenage raging hormones

2006-08-30T19:41:00.000+09:00

This happened back in Perth, Marco shared Advanced English class with me, Alinta was my roomate, and Nick was her bf, well...maybe still is.

Marco: Dude, did I tell you about the dream I had?!
Inan: No. (cheekily) Was it dirty?
Marco: You were in it.
Inan: Was it dirty?
Marco: And so was Alinta.
Inan: WAS. IT. DIRTY?
Marco: Oh yeah. It was totally dirty. You were sitting on my lap and french-kissing me.
Inan: No way! Alinta! Come here!
Alinta: (comes over)
Inan: Dude... tell Alinta about your dream.
Marco: Inan french-kissed me.
Inan: Isn't that cool?
Marco: You were in it too Alinta. It was kind of a threesome.
Alinta: Oh yeah?
Inan: Oh yeah... I'm so bad. Yo Nick! Nick! Come here.
Nick: (comes over)
Inan: Marco, tell Nick.

I'm so proud of myself. I'm tainting people in dreams as well as in reality.

The Hottest Thing On The Planet

2006-08-30T19:36:00.000+09:00

If you can get me these I will be yours forever !!!

Seriously.

I've never really been one of those girls who understood why women in porn flicks keep their shoes on-- my shoes are the first thing to go as soon as I decide to step out of my clothes. But I would gladly leave these on during the *ehem* because they are the most perfectly dirty and sexy things on this planet.

Wow. So this is what it feels like to have a foot fetish.

WoW.

WOW !

April Fools' Day

2006-08-29T22:09:00.000+09:00

Dad: So when are you actually coming back to Japan?
Nanzy: Next Friday... umm... April 1st, I think.
Dad: April 1st? You sure you want to be flying on April Fools Day?
Nanzy: He he he.

*scene: Nanzy in the plane 35 000 feet up in the air, in the middle of the inflight movie. Suddenly, the plane jolts downward and starts to shake. The engines screech loudly. Passengers start to scream. The PA system comes on.*

Captain: *with anxiety in his voice* Ladies and - er... Gentlemen, we're - er.. just passing through some some bad weather... b-b-but we're almost through the worst of it. So just strap - er... yourselves in and stay calm... this turbulence will be over soon. Thanks.

*PA system clicks off but hasn't been shut off properly.*

Co-Pilot: *on the radio* - you read me? I repeat - CAN YOU READ ME? This is Korean Airline flight KE 628! We have lost power in the right engine and need assistance! I repeat - This is Korean Airline flight KE 628! Is anyone......

Captain: *sobs* I don't want to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeee.
Co-Pilot: *SLAP* Pull yourself together man! You're the damn pilot, for God's sake!
Captain: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

*A flight attendant runs by to shut the PA off. Suddenly the plane begins to descend steeply. Another flight attendant screams past. The oxygen masks fall out of the ceiling.*

Random Passenger: The end is niiiiiigh! Brother and sisters, now is the time to ask the Lord Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins!

*Suddenly, the plane levels off sharply and everything falls silent again. Everything is somehow back to normal. You can hear some of the passengers still sobbing.*

Captain: PSYCHE! Happy April Fools' Day, muthafuckaaaaz!

coffee slut

2006-08-29T21:53:00.000+09:00

Oh Starbucks billboard... why do you tease me so???

I'm sure they put crack in the coffee. This addiction can't be from normal coffee beans.

Perhaps those planes hovering above the plantation aren't spraying pesticide...

one world?

2006-08-29T20:54:00.000+09:00

r. people are stupid.
d. people aren't stupid. look at the guy who made weed, tv, rubber.
r. *chuckle
r. priorities, prioties. Wherever did I leave my priorities behind?
d. ok ok, we all live in one world...
r. nu uh! there are definitely more than one world i know.
d. name it.
r. men's world, music world, japanese world...
d. true huh? they differ from eachother. but i still believe in one world.
r. hmm?
d. the unfair world
r. *speechless

and i was half a human

2006-08-24T18:15:00.003+09:00

R. Do you like my skirt?
D. Yeah it looks good on you. I like your outfits, dude.
R. Thx I love pretty outfits.
D. Every girl deserves pretty outfit, I guess.
R. Including me, yeah..
D. No, not you. You're not even a human.
R. What?
D. I think you're not. Do u realize that u raved in your sleep last night and asked me to clean your wings? That's not a human-like rave, baby.
R. *eyes roll*
D. Am serious, I even recorded it coz it was so funny.
R. What? No way..lemme hear it lemme hear it !!!

D plays back R's voice on the cell-phone

CP: "boo..errr..clean my, umm.., wings, errr..hurry, yeah that, no, left one left one"

R. OH MY GOD, I sound retarded! I can't believe you did that!
D Laughs
R. I hate you shithead !
D. What? U callin me shithead?
R. Ok, I hate you sweetheart ! I hate you, I hate you !!!!
D. I love you.

what the world is all about

2006-08-22T14:49:00.000+09:00

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
Who owns a liquor store and a golf course
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

a walking contradiction

2006-08-13T01:54:00.000+09:00

this is the letter i never sent you, and most probably never will.

august 13th.

i just hung up my phone and found my self bursting into tears. tomorrow i'll be flying home, feeling tired already just to hearing it. it's funny coz there aint nothin to be cried about. it could have been this dreadful summer heat, but am pretty much enjoy the sunshine like a fish needs a bike *blegh*

your voice on the phone brought something to my soul. the way you say hi. the tone of your weariness. your giggle, your sigh. ahh why am i here and you are there? i fuckin miss you, dammit. a year to go, and we all be livin this small town of melting pot. i am scared through and through. what's next? what's now? what's us? are we still being us? or will we not? questions over questions, i'm getting tired of curiosity and never ending story. but what if i dont want it to be ended? what about our fights? our doubts? our giveups and hatreds? am i fighting alone, or just fretting alone?

my tears dried up but my heart's still drumming the confusion, on a basically thing i'm not quite sure about. one more question, can somebody actually love less? how does love measure? what is the tendency and what makes people love more? or less? is it rude to ask, do you love me more or less? can somebody actually manage to answer?

or maybe to simplify the question, do i love you more, or you love me less?
how's that?

thats y i wont give this letter to you, it's completely bollocks and no one understands my rubbish. well, i am having the second thought of posting this but i guess i will just click the right button and please everyone.

p.s/ i hate every emotional breakdown. period.

People are strange

2006-07-18T17:40:00.000+09:00

Some weird comments I've received lately:

1. Before knowing you, I thought you were an alcoholic.

2. When I saw the milk powder in your kitchen shelf, I know you'll be a good mother.

3) I see a potential in you to join my new religion. Dance music! We'll go to rave parties and pop some pills.

4) You have a wide chest.

5) Out of 10 I'd rate you 7+s. Thats why you fly with me.

Nadine sold us out

2006-07-13T01:12:00.000+09:00

I got this vid from my friend and it was really interesting. well, embarassing if i can put it that way. Nadine Chandrawinata, Miss Indonesia 2006 who is competing in Miss Universe event this year.

She is so damn hot but her english is definitely not.

This is funny becoz she's a hybrid (learnt this word from somebody) Germany-Indonesian and the media says she speaks fluent english & germany. the fact is she has just learnt english 3 months before she went for the event. ha ha. i'm not talkin abt small mistakes or mispells *coz i hate it when somebody critizes my silliness, am not a native so bare with that*, but this is a really HUGE, A BIG NO-NO, OH-GOSH-PLEASE-TAKE-IT-BACK kind of mistakes.

u dont believe me? read her interview lines:

Who is your idol?
My admirer is mother Theresa because she's so humble for me, so i am so adore at her(.......hasn't she died already, and y would she admire u?)

What do you want the rest of the world to know about your country?
Indonesia is a beautiful city... so, you should go there to visit by yourself, because we have a lot of beautiful bitch..es,
(Indonesia is your COUNTRY, missy...and yeah...you're one of our beautiful bitches. word.)

shit i dunno y i feel so embaressed abt this. maybe becoz apparently my mom is her brother's lecturer in the university *i think mom shd know abt this*, he's hot too but yeah...who cares? also coz the online voting rates her as a "HOT" out of "SUPER HOT", "HOT", "DESIRABLE", and somethin else. or, maybe by the fact that she represents our country in the international events which requires beauty AND (not OR, nadine...) brain.

maybe i'm to harsh abt this but really, even my lil sis with her lil english knows Indonesia is not a city, its our GODDAM country.

Nadine, come back next year after u learn a lil english, k hon? this year...tell the judges that u got muted all of the sudden, and just smile when they ask questions. You have a very beautiful smile, darling... so u'd better make use of it, and everybody will be happy.

emotional affair

2006-07-12T00:14:00.000+09:00

Dear insane,

i can't wait, for tomorrow to appear

and we shall talk,

and grab a bite where none recall us

albeit those few hours

Dear insane,

you flowerchild of mine,

poet of this current time,

to where now my desires belong

and prefer to stay in

Dear insane,

You, being You

the sparkling eyes of yours

which i deeply,

adore as fuck

oh hell yes i do,

but nobody knows

oompa loompa?

2006-07-05T21:07:00.000+09:00

i dunno y almost all old funny cartoon characters had a very funny name.

name it: humpty dumpty. oogie boogie. oompa loompa. willy wonka.

i have a friend with the head shape like humpty dumpty's, whenever he's around he makes me hungry coz his head reminds me of an egg. it makes me wanna eat......umm.......egg.

here goes the jingle: "humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall. all the king's horses and all the king's men, couldnt put humpty together again".

thats pretty scary for kid's imagination, humpty dumpty broken into pieces.

i dunno y i talked abt humpty dumpty, it's not even interesting to me. i guess it's all because my lack of sleep these days, why can i not finish assignment more on time? i do weird stuffs, random things to my bloggg, eat too much beans, drink less coke (thats good). anything but sleep.

sleep. awake is the new sleep. haha. i blame the weather. these rainy summer days smell kinda funky to me.

aaron mentioned smthn funny: when somebody gets angry when he's hungry, we shd call him "hangry". hah.

'too cool'

2006-07-02T19:30:00.000+09:00

i never wanna be 'too cool' to be friends with lonesome people. i never wanna be 'too cool' to listen to people's hopes, needs and desires. i never wanna be 'too cool' to give my time to people who need it. i never wanna be 'too cool' to be all-in of everyone and simply anyone. i never wanna be 'too cool' to help people realize who they are, and to be comfortable with that. i never wanna be 'too cool' to be passionate and expressive about who God is in my life. i never wanna be 'too cool' to love others with everything that i am. i never wanna be 'too cool' to be free in who i am..

coz the 'coolness' can keep you from everything you are made to be. am sorry God for all the times i was/am 'too cool'. the minute it becomes about me is the minute my Christianity becomes a waste of time. pretty intense... but has been on my heart for such a long time. i honestly believe if we all actually got this.. AND LIVED IT.. our youth ministry.. uni's.. schools.. workplaces.. heck, the world, would be a different place.

my sky today

2006-06-29T20:23:00.000+09:00

the sky is cloudless, still and white.

people always think that tropical countries are set against a backdrop of azure blue skies and turquoise waters

but they are wrong.

the harsh sun has bled the sky dry of all colour,

it has inhaled in all the shades of blue

and left it a blinding white.

sort of me

2006-06-18T03:38:00.000+09:00

so its funny how u could change the whole meaning of a sentence when u add the words 'sort of'. like

"i love you...sort of"

"you're gonna live...sort of".

so ive been doin that lately, adding the words 'sort of' to almost anything i say.

'yeah i've done my paper...sort of'

'yeah the chicken is alrite...sort of'

its amazing how many people i've pissed off

...sort of.

fun stuff to do wif ur tunes

2006-06-18T02:20:00.000+09:00

Put your music player on shuffle. Press forward for each question. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense. You'll be surprised though.NO CHEATING!

1.How am I feeling today?
over my head - the fray (woke up furiously at 4 pm, just too difficult to swallow)

2. Will I get far in life?
just like heaven - katie melua (not gettin there yet)

3.How do my friends see me?
fraud - scientificlifestyle (woopsie...ev'rybodys a hypocrite but am not a fan of the word "fraud" here)

4.Where will I get married?
temperature- sean paul (hot degrees..i have hawaii in mind. or egypt. haha)

5.What is my best friend's theme song?
everytime we touch - cascada (eww in several stages)

6.What is the story of my life?
love train - wolfmother (haha cheezy)

7.What was/is high school like?
snap yo fingers - lil jon (awww good times messing around my wasted youth slipped away so quick)

8. What is the best thing about me?
hips dont lie - shakira (figure. okay.)

9. What is today going to be like?
evening sun- the strokes (so true,looked like another gloomy day till the evening sun came up)

10. What is in store for this weekend?
walking after you-foo fighters

(Tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds Dreaming aloud
Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
Ohh ohh ohhhhh, I'm on your back). looks like another weekend daydreaming about my boyfriend,waiting for the day till i see him again :( aauuuggh!!!

11. What song describes my parent(s)?
do i make you proud - taylor hicks (hmmf think it shd be in the other way around)

12. To describe my grandparents?
you're beautiful - james blunt (to grandma, you go girl)

13. How is my life going?
lasting impressions - james vargas

14. What song will they play at my funeral?
i write sins not tragedies - panic! at the disco (AWESOME!!!!)

15.How does the world see me?
that girl suicide- the brian jonestown massacre
(indeed what will all the nasty physical stunts i try to do like drunken trolley rides)

16. Will I have a happy life?
unwritten - natasha bedingfield (guess i gotta wait til it actually happens)

17. What do my friends really think of me?
whats in your world - daryl hall (guess they'd never figure out)

18. Do people secretly lust after me?
for you i will - teddy geiger (ohhh big thanx)

19. How can I make myself happy?
life is a highway - rascal flatts (yea...drive along and speed it up)

Maxims for the Computer Age

2006-06-04T15:13:00.000+09:00

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks

9 truths and 1 flat out LIE

2006-06-01T21:25:00.000+09:00

I am opting for a little game... here is 10 things about me and one is not true.

The game is which one is not true

1. I've been to NASA
2. My dad ever had a conversation with Fidel Castro
3. I have sung onstage with more than half of Indonesian All-stars
4. My first pet was a flamingo
5. My mom went to the same college with Soekarno, Indonesian 1st President
6. I never smoke
7. I was a secret admirer for about 3 years and still do like him subconsciously
9. I was in 4 magazines at a same period
9. I've got a bad trauma from a car accident
10. I wanted to kill myself and actually made plan

My life seems pretty interesting when i put it like that (fact...not part of the game!)

god by vision

2006-05-22T16:04:00.000+09:00

On my last holiday i went home for 2 months and spent most of my times writing journals, expanded my imaginations thru words and lines. One day i sat down in a very hot lazy day with ice lemonade, a pencil, and some desperations. i looked up to the sky and saw You. you were embodied in this perfect rainbow stretching out from my left to my right, a perfect half circle of colour right above me. the clouds were fluffy and white, reminds me of a cottoncandy, tinged with pink and orange, shades of mango juice in the sky. ahhh i wish i had my crayons in my hand so i could capture your beauty. but i dont think i could ever.

then i heard my lil sisters voice up on my roof. she sat there with her girls talking about boys, while all of the sudden she screamed "look at the sky". i could see her little fingers pointing out to random direction while explaining what she saw to others. she said she saw a bunches of lily tied with ribbon on her right side. "and there, u see?" she made her friends turn their heads to her left when she was explaining a big meeting tables with couples of gentlemen whispering one to another. she said they all look old and european.

the other girls made an "oh there....?" and some humming sounds, showing they could hardly see what my sister did. but i saw exactly what she meant. a very clear vision uphigh in the sky.
maybe some cynic would say it is just a coincidence, but i dont want cynicism right now. i want all the hope in the world.

it runs in the family.

uphigh not getting over the past

2006-05-22T15:53:00.000+09:00

we were on the 33rd floor and the suns' outstretched rays tried to make its way to me through the smog of the city. i was up high. feeling very tall. i could be this giant valkyrie from some twisted tim burton nightmare but i was quiet and looked at all the little people below me.

zip zip wuzz wuzz everybody looks so busy for a lazy sunday early morning. but am feeling really heavy. like am wearing some coat of lethargy. i wonder about the synapses in my brain. see if they're still working cuz i feel so fckn' numb. it's like a miniature world down there.

i can see so far off into the horizon but really cant see at all. its so small and yet so big. and in this littlebig world of zipzipwuzzwuzz busy people i wonder if he is out there somewhere. on the street. walking. under one of the roofs before me. or in one of the little crawling (ant) toy cars below.

if he was. i'd squish him with my big giant valkyrie foot. squish. ha-HAH. ick. take that.

zephyr

2006-05-19T17:29:00.000+09:00

pixies

2006-05-19T17:22:00.000+09:00

On Guns of Beliefs and People

2006-05-07T18:09:00.000+09:00

Some people use guns to make other people believe in guns
Some guns use people to make them believe in other people
Some guns use guns to make guns believe in guns
Some people use guns to make guns believe in people
Some people use beliefs to make guns
Some people use guns to make beliefs
Some people use guns
Some people use beliefs
Some guns use beliefs
Some people use people, beliefs and guns
Some guns use guns and people on beliefs
Some guns are people and some people are guns
Some guns are guns and some people are people
Some people use guns to make others believe
Some guns use people to make other people believe
And some beliefs use people to make guns believe
To make guns believe in people
To make people out of guns
To make guns into beliefs
To make beliefs into guns
To make guns out of guns people out of people and beliefs out of beliefs of beliefs on people
Peopled by beliefs and guns that people use
To unpeople people of beliefs

Against Darwin's

2006-04-26T20:32:00.000+09:00

i read yurisa's latest post about fossils & apes and i have something to share...well i always do, so bare with me.

i believe that our ancestors were humans, not monkeys. i more consent on the "social darwinism" who holds a theory of evolution by the natural selection. it is not only a model for the development of biological traits, but also applied to human social institution. in a nutshell, who can make a lot of money were chosen to dominate. that makes more sense but actually, the main reason is that i declined to visualize adam & eve in monkey's appearance.

comparing science and religion concept will definitely take forever since they speak a different languange, the black hole theory, for instance. and i also read about the "eugenics" theory which improves the human genetic qualities". some might descibe it as a human action whose goal is to improve the "gene pool". more intellegent people, physically healthier & stronger people, and morally superior people. criticism like the pseudoscience argued on the way of eugenics objectifies human hereditary traits which places too much value on irrational characteristics rather than considers the individuals as a whole.

so if human is a part of the evolution, my question is, what's next?

well...let's not get too pensive and enjoy what i found:

teteh, thanx for the idea. i enjoy reading ur post, am so at awe at your brainpower. it's nice to discover a new layer on a person.

coffee love

2006-04-19T01:57:00.000+09:00

He first met her at a party. She was so wonderful, with her big brown eyes and dark silky hair, her steps reveal confidence. many guys chasing after her but only him who saw abit of loneliness sparkling in her eyes.

He encouraged his lips to greet her with his ordinary life and said "Have a coffee with me sometimes." She was surprised by his courage and yet saw the sincerest eyes of him, so she nodded.

The days after they sat in a nice coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything. She started to feel uncomfortable and thought, please, let me go home. Suddenly, he asked the waiter,

"Would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."

Everybody stared at him, so strange! His face turned red, but, still, he put the salt in his coffee and drank it. She asked him curiously,

"Why do you have this hobby?". He replied, "When I was a little boy, I used to live near the sea. I liked playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my childhood, think of my hometown. I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who are still living there".

While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched. That's his true feeling, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can talk about his homesickness, he must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has responsibility of home. Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family. That was a beautiful beginning of their story.

They continued to date. She found that actually he was a man who meets all her demands; he had tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful.

He was such a good person but she almost missed him, thanks to his salty coffee. Then the story was just like every beautiful love story, the princess married the prince, then they lived a happy life.

And, every time she made coffee for him, she put some salt in the coffee, as she knew that's the way he liked it. After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said:

"My dearest, please forgive me, forgive my whole life lie. This was the only lie I said to you ... the salty coffee. Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time... Actually I wanted some sugar, but I said salt. It was hard for me to change so I just went ahead. I never thought that could be the start of our communication!

I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you for anything. Now I'm dying, I afraid of nothing so I tell you the truth. I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange bad taste. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life!

Since I knew you, I never felt sorry for anything I do for you.Having you with me is my biggest happiness for my whole life. If I can live for the second time, I still want to know you and have you for my whole life, even though I have to drink the salty coffee again".

Her tears made the letter totally wet. Someday, someone asked her,
"What's the taste of salty coffee?"

"It's sweet", she replied.

my everyday habit

2006-04-19T00:24:00.000+09:00

danar made an interesting observation about me. i say that it is interesting because it was an observation..about me. nuff said. anyways, he (yes, danar is a guy. his full name is airodanaris. haha. i dunno why i should laugh at that, my first name is airinantha) said that i never seem to move from the beanbag in front of the tv in the living room during the day. in fact, i can actually tell the time of day from the tv shows that are on coz i am couch potato personified.

i watch ananda lewis show, eventhough i dont like it ~every single day. if its not on, i'll be like, "hey..where's ananda?!" then i get a hissy fit wic consists of me just lying on the beanbag making gurgling sounds. ananda lewis reminds me of willow tree. her long curly makes me hungry for chinese fried noodle. talking about chinese fried noodle makes me hungry for..chinese fried noodle, maybe i will cook some later.

i like watching Oprah, a while after ready steady shower, i used to like watching until i got sick of it. i also used to write down the recipes in my cell phone but i never got the ingredients rite, so in my cellphone will be recipes going like: "sprinkle pepper on fish and put someting something seed herbs. boil for ??minutes." so i gave it up. but speaking of Oprah, have u realized that Oprah switches from 'black speak' to 'white speak' within a show constantly? if she's talking to a black woman, she'd be like "mmmm..girlfriend! i told you, he ain't sayin' nothin' to you now, y'hear?" but when speaking to a white person she goes all...white. bizzare. but i love it. in indonesia, they always mix up old episodes and new episodes of Oprah. so one day you'd be watchin 'fat Oprah season' and the next day 'skinny Oprah'. it makes life more interesting for me, coz i play bets with other ppl that she'd be either skinny or fat before the show starts.

after Oprah i watch life & style. i love the makeovers and all the 4 hosts. Kimora's been my all-time favorite and Lynne Koplitz reminds me of my grade school teacher who used to yell at me all the time. wasn't a nice feeling but my sentimentality emerges everytime i hear her funny accent. once there was the N.Y Serendipity Ice Cream House's chief came to the show and brought along their latest offer which was $1,000 vanilla ice cream with eatable pure gold topping & caviar. i was like "dammit...whats wrong with this ppl!" and suddenly Kimora said "oh come on...whats wrong with you ppl?". thats why i like her.

finally after life & style i watch entertainment tonite for fun, since everybody watch it as a necessity. it makes me feel so happy and nifty as i retain celebrity gossip and news and tell the whole world what i know at social gatherings. armed with these news, i become a powerful all knowing being. ppl would be sayin shit like "oh i heard brad pitt and angelina jolie are married" and i'd be all like "nu-uh! not true!" and they's be like "oh yeah sez who?" and i'd be like "sez entertainment tonite!" and a quiet engulfs them and they look at me and say "well..it has to be true then. she speaks the truth! inan, she speaks the truth!". it makes me feel smarter somehow.

estelle'smeme

2006-04-13T02:50:00.000+09:00

she asked me to do this. so here it goes.

10 years ago: was 10. very very vague memory. less imageries than childhood time. everyday was a routine. school, ballet lesson, piano lesson, singing lesson, lesson, lesson, lesson and tv. that was me education.

5 years ago: discovery era. phone-talking endlessly (so much that i stopped talking now). great friends. first big crush. cutting up pictures from magazines and stick it on the journal. . party party party every weekends. went bananas wit them. was so into punk & Blink182. still am really.

5 snacks (fave/recent):
-fags.
-dark chocolate for luxury!
-chicken 126 from famima. it's highly addictive.
-wicked wings from KFC. i like the fact that it feels less hormon-ish than value meal.
-melon juices.

5 songs I know all the words to:
-fatima rainey's hey. oldy oldy me.
-pussycatdolls's sway. with the mic's action and all.
-maroon5's sunday morning.
-any of Blink's, really.
-somebody's twinkle2 lil star. hey, anyone can remember this.

100 million to spend?: no way. really? ok. set up a foundation for poor kids. stray puppy's sanctuary. loading my wardrobe then travel in style (or maybe just all scruffy and messy) and cool concerts. maybe adopt some poor kids on the way.

5 bad habits:
-being lazy. lazy to chew rice, lazy to switch off the tv, even talking.
-procrastinate like a queen mother.
-live in mess.
-not talking when i shud.
-maybe skipping class.

5 fave joys:
-internet.
-lunch/dinner with the girls follow up by watching movies and have a good cry.
-still in bed early morning wit maliq & d'essentials.
-be impressed randomly.
-massssssage......me!!!

5 retreats:
-singing anytime/anything.
-like estelle, jazz and coffee backyard. so cliche.
-just listening to my fave songs.
-quiet laundry. fresh smell of it.
-reading good books like anais nin's.

5 fave toys:
-make-up.
-ai my toy. now it's don juan.
-lap top. that stupid game that no one plays.
-my camera. i'm a cam whore.
-my boyfriend. he volunteered.

5 things I'd never wear:
-distasteful prints on pants. or just mismatched prints.
-a yellow from head to toe.
-anything that screams dolly parton.
-shiny sporty shades.
-macdonald's shoes. wait....now that i've mentioned it...i quite like them.

5 tv shows:
-laguna beach. so rad.
-desperate housewives.
-friends. fucking hilarious.
-sex & the city. lusting over city.
-the o.c. what else?

5 people who HAVE to do this:
-ai.
-rajat.
-anne.
-shreya.
-yurisa.
no reason, i just love to know. tho' i wonder if ppl actually read this....

Dream and Yearbook

2006-04-08T02:48:00.000+09:00

Once I dreamt about the guy I used to like, a long long time ago. He is probably in another parts of the world and I haven't seen him in ages. The dream was so strong I can almost feel him. In my dream I was lying down in a deep dark greenwood, sleeping with closed eyes but an opened mind so I could see him walking towards me with a small steps. My heartbeat was racing, the butterfly in my stomach spread its wings and I could hear the buzz running to my ears. He was very close, very much close as I can smell his masculine odour. My hands were trembling hard and I was so scared he would find out my fake sleep. Luckily he didn't. Instead he gazed at me with a sincere fondness and slipped a piece of paper in my palm. my fingers moved so I could touch his, I felt warm inside. then he left. After a while I opened my eyes but couldn't find him in my nearest sight, only birds chirping and pine trees whispering one to another. I touched the part he touched me and tried to read what he wrote. It says "Back to sleep, Princess. I'll see you in your dream" He left as quick as he came and just like that my heart he stole.

and i woke up as i was trying to look for him. when I opened my eyes I feel so sad. then I searched for my yearbook and as I found his old picture, I also found out that day was his birthday.

weird.

self obsessed

2006-04-07T23:51:00.000+09:00

this is one of my old posts:

how high do you really think your narcissistic tendencies are? how high could a person possibly have?

it's nonsense. buy a mirror. enjoy your reflection. pretend yourself as a movie star, or at least, a famous person. smile and figure out your best angle. this aint bullshit. it works very well.

enjoy your self doesnt mean annoy others. write it down, people! a bunch of guys here in APU (god, my freakin college) are totally self-obsessed. we call'em gargoyle -yes, they're THAT annoying-. their heads are up there high so they could hardly watch where their asses go. sucks to be them. i both hate and love them at the same time coz they're fun to watch. i even had a big crush on one of'em. a big weird crush.

girls. they bitch about others too much. japanese girls do really need some fashion emergency. only GOD could help them. girls think they are fat tho' their legs look like a twig. they think they aint tan enough to wear such stupid summer dress. gosh you look way more burnt than my burned waffle. get a grip. some sleep with many guys many times for the sake of social standard. the numbers are higher than Brunei's population. how crazy it is.

girls = self-conscious.

this formula had existed long way before Newton found the gravitation. like, me for instance, spend 80 % of my whole life worrying about my appearance. hair. skin. dress. shoes. belly. toofat. not-so-fat. thigh. height. weight. cant never get enough of that. my current interests = losing weight, gaining weight, losing weight. still. curves are much much comfier than bones, yes pumpkin? no harm of being fat as long as you're happy. F*** people comment. they're just jealous. trust me on this.

more cushion for the pushin'. never let anyone tell you otherwise. enjoy the beauty of eating. enjoy yourself. more wine, more good food, more smart conversation, and definitely more laughter. depression is boring, anti social and bad for your skin. you know yourself the most so act like the truly owner.

be selfish, be wise. so on a final note, eat, drink, smile and be merry.

i'm off track anyways...

*if i (again) hurt anyone on this comment, you shd stop reading my post. your fragile soul shdn't obtain any further temptation and apparently i love tempting ppl's fragile soul. i shall call you my child instead of doll.*

and the brainy club is.

2006-04-03T02:19:00.000+09:00

Nanzy wrote:

Today I thought about…
How do telephones work?
and how they can amazingly capture all different tones, vibes and accents.
posted: September 15,2005 07:22 AM

Jen wrote:

Read ur another version abt TV and thought about who invented the remote control and how he is to blame for the laziness of all those who came after him.
And what is infrared exactly?
posted: September 15, 2005 08:49 AM

Nanzy wrote:

i dont know. but you didnt answer my question, useless.
i dont have a remote control. i have a big long stick.
so really, a truly lazy person (one who has perfected the art of laziness) is always creative in these matters. my daddy always said, give a difficult task to a lazy person and he'll find the easiest way to do it. so true huh?
posted: September 25,2005 03:45 PM

still longing for another pleasing remark..........................

my zeal

2006-03-27T12:02:00.000+09:00

blackouts.

quakes.

dvds.

melon juices.

my stillettos on rocky ground.

japanese and then english.

more english and more japanese in between english.

my witty driver.

my sweet front desk who brings me a cup of tea with brown sugar every morn.

my pms boss hungry for results.

diabetes causing coffee.

more blackouts.

more dvds.

more melon juices.

and then silence.

my hair grows

and another sloth day passes me by.

gee, i'm dressed for success.

BUT I DON'T HAVE MY OWN INTERNET!

futhermuckin bit*h

2006-03-21T03:51:00.000+09:00

Weirdo magnet

2006-03-21T02:05:00.000+09:00

I seem to attract really weird freaks as well as pretentious pricks.

and chicks dig me too.

Why is this, I wonder?

God is real

2006-03-20T20:17:00.000+09:00

sweetest honey to the brightest flower

the largest plant into the smallest atom

snow flakes in the bird kingdom

smaller than the eye can see, bigger than the mind can concieve.

i heard a man on the radio today

i must confess i disagreed with what he had to say

how can he not believe that God is real.

i don't understand how he could feel that way

when there's earth air water and fire,

so many different flowers, sunshine and rainshower

so many different crystals and hills and volcanos

that's how i know that God is real

in Saint Lucia, i jumped in the water,

for the first time i understood its power

as i swam, i was cleansed.

if i had any doubts, this experience cleared them

now i know for sure that God is real

i know that it's the truth by the way it feels

cause i saw starfish and sponges, fish and black trumpets,

so many different colors

i stayed out there for hours and i only saw a fraction of a fraction

of the deep, of the great blue wide

it brought a tear to my eye

we're made of the same stuff as the moon and stars

the ocean's salt water just like my tears are

you feel me the sun rises and sets everyday without fail

earth, air, water, and fire

that's how i know that God is real

the thug

2006-03-16T20:07:00.000+09:00

ehehehehehehehehe !

admit it

2006-03-15T21:05:00.000+09:00

more
I'm passionate about all the little things because the big things usually bore me. I want to live happily ever after. I'm not heterosexual. I'm not homosexual. I'm not bisexual. I'm just sexual. I don't dance to the rhythm of the beat, i dance to the rhythm in my feet. I love full stops and other good looking punctuation. I am a walking contradiction and -- yes -- sometimes a hypocrite. But at least I admit it, dear friends, because I know you all are too.

i love
my bedroom. nice smiles. big hands. naming all my most treasured belongings. first kisses. march5. pride and prejudice. late night phonecalls. buying cds. good books. dim sum. shirley temples. extra hot showers. affection. my notebook. italian food. music turned up while getting ready to go out. the feeling you get when you've made somebody happy. dogtags. mixtapes. butterfly. american accent. chocolate.

i am inspired by
miles davis. the pixies. dctalk. nin. stevie wonder. sting. djs. norah jones. grammy nominees. chillout. art deco. people who aren't afraid to share their opinions. kimora lee simmons. sarah jane carter. reese whiterspoon. christopher walken shakin' his ass in fatboy slim's music video. pussycatdolls. my parents. jason mraz. my lil sister. mitchel albom. oxfam. amnesty international. people who give to charity. my late grandfather. stories of salvation. angels. jesus christ. the original rebel. pink's catch-22. my friends. the wonders. winter in jakarta. you.

i dislike
racists. shallow people. people who think it's ok to point out other people's shortcomings. self-centredness. women who push into lines. sexists. tara reid partying around the globe. people who bump into you and don't apologise. indonesian politicians. elitist christians. parents who force their opinions onto you. heavy metal. liars. teenagers who sleep around without thinking about the consequences. avril lavigne's disrespect toward fellow artists. anyone who gets drunk every single weekend. bullies. scenesters who are only in it for the cool. summer in beppu.

i wonder about
the self-destructive nature of the human condition. sexual preferences. why people like paris hilton are ever popular. the death penalty. why none of my favourite artists ever come to my hometown. why my eyes are so droopy. the death of my grandfather. why losing weight has to be so fucking difficult. the reason why world peace seems to be so impossible for us to achieve. destiny.

on random
My right palm is called Nanzy Bijou Johnsson. My left palm is called Caramelle Simmora, Queen of Sexdom in the province of Kinktown. My puppy is called Lopskdsfsoeufhe. That's pronounced "The hottest thing you'll ever touch."

shrine to my fetish

2006-03-13T01:14:00.001+09:00

On the casual monotonous school day, I went to the café with Mitata, grabbed our latte and sat down for about 3 hours. We got so bored with campus; life can be less interesting when you live in backwoods full of English non-speaking mankind and insufficiently cute guys. I get gila *insane* when I’m bored, so then I supposed a little spin of conversation would crack me up.

Beppu in the sundown appear to be colorless, evokes us of our hometown which, by contrast, is more likely appeared multicolor, in fashion. Well, Jakarta is young, deprived of magnitude. People are one dimensional. Conversations are limited to parties, drugs, music, and fashion. This ain’t bull, Mitata eavesdropped by herself. The E! Channel is a conspiracy to make you stupid. Glossy magazines waste our precious trees and I hate malls. They should spend money on books, not the Gucci bags.

Oh, we had a blast bitchin’ about little miss rich & gaul *failed to get the perfect english word for it, sorry*. Fuck consumerism. I want widespread social democracy and monotheism. I want idealism and serenity and folk songs and vague poems that don’t rhyme. I want free passion, not polka dots and stripes.

I’d like to clarify that I have nothing against pop fare and all the people who is interested in fashion, but if you get to the sorry state of having to be lead into thinking what you like and what you don’t, or when you care too much about what is in and what is out, that is tragic. I am myself surrounded by people who are uniquely stylish, and there is a big gap between fashion and your own style. So we still don’t understand the identical outfits that flock the malls and clubs in Jakarta, and why these wear choices are based on somebody else’s view of what looks actually good. Expertise ain’t God.

Then you walk into a bookshop and everyone is crowded around the comic sections & the magazine stand. This is all mental masturbation. Quick, with temporary release. Nobody cares about feeding their mind, free writing, and art deco. Our generation should be making an obscure poetry, inventing a cure for cancer and creating world peace. I officially salute those great writers, artist, musicians, philosophers who originated new thoughts, new ideas, and new ways of thinking. They were the true rock and roll artist, not the strokes. They were the true bohemians, not sienna miller and mischa barton.

If I am hurting anybody with this comment, I suggest you to grow thicker skin.
I am one person, why do you care what I think?

stoned smurfs

2006-03-10T01:33:00.000+09:00

a guy just told me that smurf was all about communism. funny.
but now i think it's probably true.
why only the smurf leader had a red hat while others had white?
he got bigger mushroom house too! so bourgeois.
he had lots of mushrooms to himself.
he must be stoned all the time.
woah.

idle chit-chat

2006-02-28T17:16:00.000+09:00

This happens to me and a person next to me, on the bed, late late night.
What is the point to any conversation under the state of drowsiness?
You talk and talk and you’re both like, what the fuck? What the fuck is going on?
Hey, what were we talking about again? You tell a story, udah panjang lebar,
going off/on tangents, then you pause, move back to, what was I saying again?
Your listener, in her catatonic state of mind has made her best to bond her brain cells listening, trying to get you. And then you realize, the point is laughter.
You’re talking crap and you forget your point, what the fuck is the point of this story?
Oh yeah, and finish your story, you laugh, she laughs.
Conclusion in all it’s simplicity. Anything for a laugh when you’re drained.
It’s all you want to do. Just talk, be silly and laugh.
It’s the climax. It’s the point to what you’re saying.
It’s the joy of connecting with someone else who’s equally useless.

The Undone Platform

2006-02-27T20:24:00.000+09:00

Chapter One
Omaigod. How charming. He came to my room last night.

There’s the shiver from head to toe when I feel your arms around me.

I hardly know you, but your aura comforts me.

You smile in the dark and I had all these raging flips in my tummy.

Like, I really need to pee.

Excitement is delish. Nanzy was in lust. And quite possibly falling in

L.O.V.E.
Moonbeam smuggle through the drawn curtain, illuminating his still face.

I want to reach him. But I let him do the work, catch me off guard and skim his lips over me. Sway, sway, the back of my neck and it shoots, this electrical energy, zooms all the way thru mid-section down to my spine.

Clock stops ticking, all the air was sucked into my ears til it hurts so I close my eyes.

It’s so peaceful. Yeah. That delish fluttery butterfly feeling in my stomach, that bliss, the whole real deal. No, I won’t overanalyze.

I’m just the schmuck tripping over my words that come out all wrong when you’re around. Blessed beautiful boy,

may I have a taste?

Where do I end and you begin?

Our limbs, hearts, our loves are intertwined.

I can clearly hear you, breathing deeply in my ear, deeper inside me.

And then I get to my feet, holding you. And we shatter.

That’s okay, my dear, we shatter.

A thousands piece of you and I on my bedroom floor, oops, where am I, that’s you, that’s your piece, this is me, this is definitely my piece.

We’re in such an artistic mess! But that’s ok my dear. You’ll be lost in me and I’ll be lost in you. Lost altogether.

Chapter Nine
He’s knocking on my door but I’m fine, remain sitting here in my tiny box I call room with my pictures, memories, and postcards.

Fortunately I’ve got my feet to stand on the ground

and my hands to remind me who I am, to see my history.

Doubts start killing my idealism. What should I do?

If only we could all just dance endlessly and remain nameless in a disco of moving bodies and feel the beat pounding through our teeth and nails, not have to speak with words but with signs;

a smile, I look down, your mouth is open wordless.

Sometimes I don’t even understand what I’m saying until I’ve said it and it’s out there, I can’t take it back. The words just dangling in the air, waiting to be forgotten.

I’m sorry for the times I hurt you purposely, I hurt myself with a bigger knife just so you know. I wanted to see you cry, to make you feel. To challenge you.

But we don’t speak the same language. I don’t belong to your cosmic no more.

Chapter Seventeen
From the distance, I see with clearer eyes. Like, I’m a bug, I can fly and get a clearer view.

The colors are brighter, they almost pierce me.

Sounds are clearer, I hear all the different layers and levels of music.

I block out the snare and keyboards and focus on the bass. One level.

Then I block out the bass and vocals and focus on the drums. Another level.

And so on and so forth. Why am I here and you are there?

Look, there’s a shining star coming out. Where are you when I need you?

I want to show you that star, it doesn’t appear twice.

I wish I was invisible, so I can sneak into your freedom, checking how you are.

I wish I could read minds so I don’t need to ask you why, and why me.

You are so beautiful, from your laughter to your misery.

If I could just be here to wrap me up in you. It’s the safest place to be, enveloped in your arms. Shadows play around and I’m wearing time like I can just give it off, keep it inside a little box under my bed, crumbled.

I want to loathe you, for giving my doubts the satisfaction they foresaw.

I want to loathe you, for taking me in your journey to the cloud number nine then left me unannounced, taking my left wings down with you. And so I fall.

I want to loathe you for making my soul numb, boy, I want to loathe you,

for all the reasons in the world.

Daddy says okay to hate, as far as you don’t know.

So I won’t tell you, my dear, let this little girl think with her little heart and decide.

This very second, I forgive you.

Because one day, like a socialist utopia, I wish we could find our universe where we belong altogether, in no time.

So I don’t have to watch you from the distance.

It’s too exhausting.

so this is how i pray

2006-02-27T20:13:00.000+09:00

Dear god.
I wish I was a frog.
I wish I was a frog so I can live both on land and in water.
I wish I was a frog so that when I cry, my tears blend in with the water around me. So they can’t see.
I wish I was a frog so that when they shout and scream and fight, their shouting and screaming and fighting is shrouded through the water. So I can’t hear.
I wish I was a frog so that when the water around me becomes salty from my tears, I can elude and breathe under the sun.
Dear god.
I wish I was a frog because frog never deal with things like mother frog getting multiple sclerosis.
I wish I was a frog so I could have a two second memory. Maybe just like mother frog.
I wish I was a frog so I don’t have to cry over a guy. Because frogs have cold blood.
Dear god. Maybe I’ll be a frog in my next life.

forlorn ego blow

2006-02-27T20:08:00.000+09:00

This is the blog I have been trying to put off. I hate seeing these on people‘ｓ profiles, it’s so arrogant. Live and let live right? However, after a time-consuming winter clean on my inbox, perhaps a little ego is in call for.

I do not want to sound like a diva but please do not send me messages about how I remind you of one'f those posers in glossy megazine or that I have nice arse (I have never display it in public *verbatim*). In fact, please don't use that as a pick-up line on any woman. Ever.

Speaking on behalf of all the ladies who aren't trashy as to bum for such a two-bit compliment (read: not a ho), this isn't the best way to get a girlfriend, Romeo. It's vulgar and humiliating. And don't hit back by saying I put it out there, because even if I do, that’s MY right. Don’t call me a moralist either, I have a blooming lust as much as any red-blooded female. Just not unto you.

Here's another small hint, fellas. When you send a girl 19 messages and she doesn't reply to a single one, she's not busy, she's just not that interested in you, coz you're just not that interesting.

Other than that, if you can add me and want to, be my guest. I'll be on a dial-up connection so it'd be too dull to check out every single friend request, so unless you're one of those sick exhibitionists out there, I usually approve any request. Just dont ask me to add you without saying something to pique me. (This does not include any dreams you may have about me, because I'm probably not dreaming about you).

Thanks, and apologies for the overtones of snobbishness.

I____INAN

2006-02-27T20:06:00.000+09:00

Hello my name is_______.
I _____ INAN.
INAN is _____.
Me and INAN are _____.
I wish me and INAN were ______.
If I were alone in a room with INAN, I would _____.
I want INAN to know that I __________.
I think INAN should _________.
INAN needs to _________.
I want to ______ INAN.
Someday INAN will ________.
INAN reminds me of _______.
Without INAN I would _______.
Memories of INAN are ________.
INAN can be __________.
The worst thing about INAN is ______.
The best thing about INAN is _________.
I am ________ with INAN.
If I can tell INAN anything it would be ________.

fill in the blanks & post it back to me

and my name was brain

2006-02-27T20:01:00.000+09:00

I am evolving, catching up to these times. There once was a girl who wore her hair pinned up with a pencil, carried a manuscript with her wherever she went. People always knew when she was coming because sounds of furious scribbling, ink scratching and flipping papers, followed her wherever she went.

Is it harder to be humane in these days? Huntington may have had it right, underneath these clothes of civilization, we are all the same underneath, naked man stripped bare of taxes, education, cutlery, perfumes, fraud, social politics, we are all the same. But the fact remains, we do live in these times of taxes, education, cutlery, perfumes, fraud and social politics. So what do we make of our lives? I may give away spare change and cry at the sight of homeless children, I may disagree that morality is an invention of the weak to intimidate the strong, that power is the greatest goodness… but perhaps I am an elitist at heart. I have no patience for people who don’t speak, who don’t want, who don’t try.

What we dislike most in life is what we are.

What we do measure our achievements against? People out there still paint with their 2B pencils, color with rainbow watercolor brush, and scratch with their own bare fingers. They still can get the same effect as photoshop. The artist has been replaced by technology. Where have we all disappeared? Where are all the Jazz improvisations, the eccentrics, the political manifestos, the philosophers, and free writers? design is art, but art is not design.
You write offbeat poetry, silly rhyming lyrics, detailed prose, then you read Shakespeare, Nin, Kahlil Gibran. You’re nothing.

I must evolve.

2006's Get-up-and-Go

2006-01-07T17:51:00.001+09:00

Notebook is off the latch, pencil is still dancing between my fingers, have been blank-staring, tickling my brain, trying to focus on my new years resolution for millions of seconds, but none has appeared to come.

I could have come up with things like *Eat more chocolate or *Be less flirty but then it seems moronic to 19 year old.

Who wants to be *fat and *boring anyways?

I don't think everybody should have such thing as New Year's Plan coz at the end of the day, only a few of them who realize they have ones. Bull shit. Make more bull shits. Of course reality required anticipation but I like daily resolution more rather than 365 days of plan. When I go to sleep I would pile up things I did at times and evaluate them in my dreams. I do concentrate when I dream. Carry on the possitives and eliminate the others. The next morning you wake up with better feeling and become a better person. Day-to-day resolution functions.

Unless it's not working on me, I can still stick with chocolate & flirtatious theme. Happiness is achievement, not a favour. So pull your socks up, delight in the tingle and be merry.

Blissful Nu Year, everybody !